I wish to swim away from this pain that drowns me
But then I forget I am a rock.
Often stepped on and sometimes kicked
Unable to feel sadness or happiness
I wish I could break
So that I could feel something other than emptiness
As I am tossed and kicked further away
My insignificance is relevant
I am a simple rock.
Sinking is inevitable
And when I hit the bottom
I will stay as my new solid form
I’ve become hard and I will learn to be indestructible
Under a sea of pain
Because I am a rock.
So as we all know when we get married it’s almost obvious that you plan to form a family and have children along with it. Well not so much for me. . .at least not at the moment. I have so many questions, doubts, fears, first of all about what pregnancy is going to do to my body, how it’s going to effect my marriage, how much pain I’m going to go through physically and emotionally, and the outcome of our parenting. On the other hand, I sometimes feel like because I am a female I have to want to be a mother and be willing to sacrifice my body and whatever it might go through without giving it a second thought. Don’t get me wrong I think it is very beautiful for a woman to want a family and have babies but that’s just not what describes my feelings right now. I’m scared. I’m scared of the process and then parenting and all of my overwhelming thoughts just make me not ready for all of the responsibility.
What if I don’t want to carry my own baby because I’m deathly afraid of pregnancy? What if I don’t want to go through all the physical pain and discomfort? What if I don’t want to breast feed? What if I don’t want to deal with wiping and cleaning baby private parts? What if I don’t want all the work of taking care of a baby? I’ve even had the idea of hiring someone to take care of my baby and raise it and work even if it was just to pay them. What if having a baby ruins my marriage? What if I’m trapped in a loveless relationship because the only reason we are together are for the kids? Also who gets to go out and do whatever they want while the other stays at home to take care of the baby? In most cases that I’ve seen it’s usually the husbands and that doesn’t seem fair ESPECIALLY if they are the ones that pushed so hard to have a family in the first place! Now it’s obvious when your baby is born within a stable family, and sometimes not so stable, you’re going to love him or her but what if when they grow up and you don’t like them? What if I feel uncomfortable living in the same house as someone that I don’t like? What if I couldn’t bear my child being bullied at school? What if I can’t bear the thought of my child coming home depressed everyday from school? Would I just do the best to support them or how far would I go to MAKE them “cool” so that they don’t have to suffer? What if my child hates himself/herself and hates their own life? What if I don’t have enough confidence in myself to be a good role model or parent? What if I don’t instill confidence in my child? What if I don’t want my kid to be anything like me and ultimately don’t think that my baby should even have any of my genes and opt for the idea of a sarrogate? Whether or not I have my own baby what if I always keep my distance so that they don’t like me so that they don’t want to be like me? After writing this out it all sounds selfish and cowardly but sometimes I still can’t understand why some people are so eager to have a family when I’m sure several of these questions have crossed their minds too. What makes people WANT to have children? How are they sure that’s what’s going to make them happy if they don’t have them yet?
These are the many questions I have that I fear because I don’t know the answers to them. I know when I was younger I wanted a picture perfect family but now that I’m married I know I can definitely wait on having children. It’s not that I don’t like kids because I do. They are great company and they are fun. Maybe it’s because I’m not ready to share my husband yet and also because we were blessed to be stationed in Europe soon after getting married. I definitely want to travel and see the world while we are out here but if it were up to my husband we would have a baby tomorrow. It’s still frustrating not being on the same page about things still. He always brings up the fact that he wants a baby and I feel quilty because I’m perfectly happy with just us two. These are my thoughts now but maybe within a couple more years my mind will be more open to starting a family. Wish me luck. . .
You put on a smile just like you do with clothes
Clothes hide your scars and a smile hides your pain
I’ve woken up from my sweet dream
Into a pain that swallows me whole
And a sadness so real it drips from my eyes
Instead of dreaming of perfect
I should have expected realistic
Happy families in pictures seem so fake
They are hiding something
We all do it
We share these memories with the world
Because pictures lie and you can make up your own fairytale
Go on, put on a fake smile
And make another lying, happy memory.
Some pain is a burden we choose to carry by ourselves.
Society has made men and women, husbands and wives turn against each other and at times given examples to hate one another. Why has society wanted to keep men and women separated like this? In addition, WHO specifically has taught and enforced this? There are stereotype beliefs such as it not being ok for a woman to earn more money than a man, it’s ok for a man to date a woman who is significantly younger than him but not visa versa, a single career woman is viewed as lonely or unwanted, a single career man is viewed as ambitious and focused, it’s ok for a man to sexualize his son but not his daughter, a man who sleeps around is viewed as acceptable among other men, but a woman who sleeps around is often discriminated and called a slut among other women. This makes no sense right? These are only a few of many other stereotypes which are often referred to as double standards.
I believe that this is an afflictive term among a lot of women or at least the women who don’t buy into these standards. I’m a firm believer that these standards were made only to benefit men. Now I’m not trying to bash on ALL men because I know that everyone is different and not all jump in the same bandwagon just because other people do it. It often seems as though the world conforms and at times lives by these double set of “rules” but when we were brought into the world there were only ONE set of rules that everyone (men and women) had to live by and follow. So why is society trying to shove this nonsense down our throats? When you ask someone for their logic behind their double standard statement their answer is usually somewhere along the lines of “because that’s just the way it is” and you won’t get a better explanation than that.
Double standards have enraged me and have also caused me great despair because I have dealt with related issues in my own personal life. God does not love a man more than a woman just because he is a man, in the same way that God will NOT excuse a man’s offenses more than a woman’s offenses. We are all on the same level to Him. At least that is my belief and maybe other believers can relate to this too. I think it’s enraging to hear when the majority of people believe in these standards but it hurts whenever someone close to you believes in these standards too.
Ladies there are a few things that in my opinion we did not get the short end of the stick on and that’s the clothes, hair, makeup, accessories and getting to do-up our whole style in general! Men can rock their style too but not as hard as what we can do. You can always see a certain kind of power in a woman who is well dressed and put together. Hmmm. . . maybe that’s why double standards were made because someone felt insecure by women who looked like this and felt that they had to keep them down. With that being said, ladies be fabulous in EVERY sense because it will give you strength and don’t let anyone (spouse, family, friends) convince you to jump on their bandwagon if you don’t feel that it’s right in your heart.
I’m excited to tell you all that Xochiquetzal has now opened a new section called Golden Goddess and has its very first item! The Golden Goddess collection is Xochiquetzal’s new section dedicated to high quality pieces that are made with genuine gemstones, silver/gold plated beads and hardware. You will be seeing more pieces that depict different works of art, that in my imagination, Xochiquetzal would have worn and that also represent my admiration of the power this Aztec goddess has. All which you will see more of in the Golden Goddess section soon.
You can view my shop here: https://www.etsy.com/shop/xXochiquetzalxref=shopsection_shophome_leftnav
I love the beginning of relationships where all it took was one look, or maybe a conversation, physical attraction, or an undeniable connection that made you feel good all the time. After you meet that one person you think about them all the time and do everything as if they were watching you so you can make sure you’re being cool at all times. Whenever you get a text or a call you can’t help but drop everything and give them your undivided attention and have long conversations. Then you start to like them a lot and then nobody, even celebrities, seems to be as cool, as good looking, etc. as your new infatuation. It’s always such a wonderful nerve wrecking situation when you’re all dressed up and making sure you smell good right before you’re about to see them and the possibility of a kiss, if you’re playing your cards right, is almost too overwhelming of a thought at this point. Everyday I think about how my relationship with my husband started when we were first talking to each other and it was the best. I loved the way he would look at me. I felt like nobody else could ever look at me the way that he did and make me feel so cared for and special. Now I always have a lingering fear of coming out of this marriage broken hearted.
Before we were married I had no fears or doubts whatsoever. I knew that I loved him and that I wanted to marry him. The day we got married is still the happiest day of my life. I remember we couldn’t stop smiling after we said our “I do’s” and I can’t remember a day in my life that was happier than that. Since then, there have been things that were said and also differences in beliefs about morals and how a relationship should work that have hurt me and have made me less confident about the strength of our marriage. That closeness and warmness I once felt the strongest is slowly trickling away the more I feel like we are not on the same page about things. Everyday I try to push through my thoughts or sadness and try to be happy and seeing his beautiful face still helps melt all the bad away. I know that we are two different people and that we are not going to change each other’s way of thinking. Sometimes I feel helpless because what else am I going to do? I can’t just divorce him because he thinks or does things that I don’t agree with all the time. I feel like I am forced to accept those things even though they make me feel bad and this is the part of marriage I don’t understand yet.
Some of those things have wounded my ego as a woman and also because it sometimes seems that I’m dealing with someone who believes in double standards. I honestly believe these standards only exist to benefit men more than it does women but I’ll save that for another discussion. I feel that because of double standards for men and women it is his “reason” or excuse to do what he’s going to do because that’s just the way it is and it’s not fair. I feel like I nor my feelings are even in the picture of his logic sometimes and it makes me want to disappear so he can live his life however he wants. There are so many other things that run through my mind that makes me feel scared that my marriage is doomed. . .
What if I don’t keep the house as nicely as I could? What if I don’t cook as often or as good as I should? Should I worry more about exercising to look good for him? What if he doesn’t find me attractive? What if he just settled for me? If I left would he come after me? What happens if he cheats on me? Going home might be an option but what if you’re too far away from home and can’t go there as soon as possible? I’m not one to believe in escape plans because I don’t believe you can be in a relationship with one foot out the door. You’re either all in or you’re not in it at all or at least that’s my foolish view on it. But after hearing comments about how he plans to “cover his back” if we were to have a child in the future, years ahead, he would test it to make sure that it is his makes me feel like I deserve an escape plan if I ever wanted to leave so I can have myself “covered” too. If I were to tell him I had an escape plan he would probably think it’s ok but this is not the definition of love to me. Feeling secure shouldn’t have to come from NOT trusting one another or the relationship it should come from knowing that you both are in it together and are going to work through anything that might happen. I guess this is just another one of my foolish views. Maybe I’m being too sensitive, I overanalyze things too much, don’t communicate my feelings across to him when I’m hurt, don’t address the issue I’m having as soon as it happens, or maybe the problems are all in my head.
I hope there is a newly wed or anyone out there that understands what I’m going through. If you are going through or have gone through similar issues I hope I can make you feel that you are not alone and that one day our issues can be resolved. Even though hope can seem slim when they don’t look at you the same way they did before or talk to you the way that they used to these issues are minor and I believe they can be fixed. The biggest problem for me is getting the courage to talk about what I’m feeling but once I do I’m sure things will get fixed and probably even sooner than I had hoped for.